Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
Lena is a mindfulness coach and writer passionate about helping others find clarity and purpose through practical advice and reflective practices.