I Believed That I Identified As a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Uncover the Reality

During 2011, a couple of years prior to the celebrated David Bowie exhibition opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I publicly announced a gay woman. Until that moment, I had exclusively dated men, with one partner I had entered matrimony with. Two years later, I found myself in my early 40s, a recently separated mother of four, making my home in the America.

During this period, I had begun to doubt both my gender identity and attraction preferences, looking to find understanding.

I entered the world in England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I didn't have online forums or digital content to turn to when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; rather, we sought guidance from pop stars, and in that decade, musicians were challenging gender norms.

The iconic vocalist sported boys' clothes, Boy George embraced women's fashion, and bands such as well-known groups featured members who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and precise cut, his strong features and male chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

During the nineties, I lived driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My partner transferred our home to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction returning to the male identity I had once given up.

Since nobody played with gender to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to devote an open day during a warm-weather journey visiting Britain at the V&A, anticipating that maybe he could provide clarity.

I didn't know exactly what I was searching for when I walked into the show - maybe I thought that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, as a result, discover a insight into my personal self.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the film clip for "the iconic song" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was moving with assurance in the foreground, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while off to one side three backing singers wearing women's clothing gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the poise of natural performers; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Relegated to the background, they were chewing and showed impatience at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, seemingly unaware to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of connection for the supporting artists, with their thick cosmetics, ill-fitting wigs and too-tight dresses.

They gave the impression of as awkward as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them removed her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to rip it all off and transform like Bowie. I desired his slender frame and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his flat chest; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Coming out as homosexual was one thing, but gender transition was a much more frightening outlook.

I needed additional years before I was ready. During that period, I tried my hardest to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my feminine garments, shortened my locks and commenced using men's clothes.

I changed my seating posture, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the possibility of rejection and second thoughts had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie exhibition finished its world tour with a stint in New York City, following that period, I returned. I had reached a breaking point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be something I was not.

Facing the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the problem wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been in costume since birth. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor soon after. I needed further time before my personal journey finished, but none of the things I anticipated materialized.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I'm OK with that. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and given that I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.